Perhaps among all the games that are played, nothing is more cerebral than cricket. It doesn't matter how many muscles ripple across your body and how many skills you have picked up at the coaching camps, in the end only the mind matters.

It's a game not for just the brave or courageous animals we like to pretend we are - Tigers are often mentioned as our symbol. In the final summation, it's not exactly a matter of ferocious predators winning but the animal which is smart, cool and calm. It means to win you need brains and the BD coach Salahuddin mentioned sadly- logical beings. And while we have been called many things, we have never been accused of having been that.

So how the freaking hell are we supposed to win matches regularly when it requires us to have a game sense, logical approaches, calm attitudes and be a normal thinking machine hoisted on top of our shoulders. We are none of that and in every aspect of our life.

Any society or people who think that social media, particularly FB, is the source of all wisdom and sense as well as history, economics and religion are capable of doing much but what they can't be expected to do is play good cricket. To put it simply, it's illogical. So basically, even expecting us to play is wrong and to play well is - well sort of a bullying that we both experience and expose others to as well.

A history of culture

Is the "ammu" culture good for cricket is a question we like to avoid though we are a team born out of mommy's blessings. Basically, it has meant we love whining, preferably to Ammu for everything. Anybody who can collectively glorify being a whiny also can't be expected to be tough minded. So throughout history we have whined and salivated when the opponent was strong and when thrashed blamed it on others including dew.

It's something we have seen through our 2500 years of known history and is not about to change. So unless Ammu tucks us into bed and makes sure that the bowler is not bowling too fast or spinning it rapidly, we can't play. And if those bullies refuse to be out even when Ammu's child is bowling ineffectively, we collapse into tears.

Which is why, given the reality, why the ICC doesn't allow ammu's into the field to put the players in their lap when they bat or bowl is a mysteriously unfair decision. We publicly declare our piety shows because we can't understand how we could have done it. We are puzzled by our small achievements too knowing it's all luck..

Coaches and nannies and emojis

While it's true and admitted that we don't come from a thinking culture we can't let the opportunity to be part of cricket history- any history for that matter- default so the following steps could be taken to improve our chances in doing well.

But putting on a better display which will prolong our amazement is something we need to consider. We are deeply into divinity and a win will make us more pious. So we need to go full guns for new historic strategies. After all, it's not winning that matters but losing as all know.

So to add colour to our defeats let's try the following based on our historical needs and analytical discussions held at Shahbagh.

Coaches aren't enough. As Salahuddin himself says, we aren't playing with our brains. That's because stress overcomes us so as part of an "ammu" culture lifestyle, we need to learn to cope. In fact that means in matches 'the ammus, buas and apus should all be part of the staff and parked around the field. And instead of drink breaks or in addition to them, we should have "ammu breaks". During these breaks, players can sit on their ammu's lap and listen to fairy tales and be kissed and hugged making them feel that ammu is close by leading to more stable performances

Since we don't understand responsibilities and are not inspired by anything, threats could be used. So various ammus of the players should accompany the team and should be tied up and threatened with violence when the players go out to play. In case of batting ammus could be taken out and if the players can't play, ammus could be tortured. Whereupon once they get out, ammus can beat the hell out of the players.

Ammus can be supplied with emojis who can then show Hah -hah reactions to their poor performances hoping they will do better.

Not that all this will matter, Bangladeshis are not fit to play modern games. Since they collectively refuse to grow up, it's best to send them back to the children section of the playground. No grow up, no brains, no cricket.